One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
