Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
