On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome