smell my finger.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
