At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I have post one night stand depression
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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