Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
