I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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