I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
