thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
