i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
