Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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