I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
