Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My Higher Power is John Stamos
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
