My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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