i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
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Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
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He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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