god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
