I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
