Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
