I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Houston, we have a blender
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
