the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
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What drink are we having for lunch?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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