puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
