just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
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Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
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He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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