Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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