He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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