she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
