you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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