i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It's just like the Real World with babies
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
