just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
