I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So much rum. So many feels.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
