Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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