I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
