i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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