You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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