i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
