put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
