I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
