Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
