rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
