sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
