What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
