Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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