Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
