I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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