Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.