Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
