it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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