woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
