I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
