I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
