I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
