So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
