My liver just broke up with me...
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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