maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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