So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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