my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
