Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
