Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
