I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
