Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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